According to experts, the average toddler hears “no” about 400 times a day. How crazy is that?!
It’s not only exhausting for us parents but also ineffective. Have you noticed how toddlers who hear “no” all the time tend to tune out after a while? Not only that but toddler and preschoolers’ understanding of “no” is much different than an adult’s understanding of “no”, because they lack the brain development and maturity necessary for self-control and judgment. At this age “no” is still an abstract concept and one that stands in direct opposition to their developmental need to explore the world around them.
So what can you do instead?
Adopt positive alternatives as often as you can and save your “nos” for emergencies or when your child could be putting themself in danger.
Positive communication is clear, respectful, and a lot more effective at inviting cooperation from children. It’s about reframing those “nos” into positives that direct the child to the desired behavior, instead of bringing their focus to the undesired behavior.
In other words, tell the child what to do, instead of what not to do. Take the opportunity to teach, re-direct, provide choices or model the behavior you want to see.
It is also important to align our verbal and emotional communication. That is, communicating in a way that is positive, respectful and clear so the child can know what is expected of them.
Below you will find some examples that I use in our home. I am not a huge fan of scripts but I find it helps the parents I work with have some idea of positive and respectful communication because often times they just have not been exposed to it before. Remember children respond to our energy, not our words, so use a version of these that resonates with you. The key here is for you to stay authentic to who you are.
Also, be sure to connect before you correct. In these examples, this would look like getting down to the child’s level, making eye contact and once you have their attention, setting boundaries by communicating clearly and positively.
Instead of: “No running!”
Try: “Walk, please.” or “We use our walking feet in the house. You can run when we get outside.”
Instead of: “No jumping on the couch!”
Try: “The couch is for sitting.” To re-direct you can say: “You can jump over there where it’s safe.”
Instead of: “No, you can’t have a cookie now!”
Try: “Yes, you can have a cookie after dinner / with dinner.”
Instead of: “No throwing (blocks)!”
Try: “Blocks are for building. Let’s use gentle hands, please.” (Take the opportunity to teach/model playing gently with the blocks).
With a younger toddler, it is most effective to keep it short and simple by using less words. But with an older toddler or preschooler, you can explain the reason behind the “no”.
“Blocks are for building. They are made of wood and heavy so they can damage our wooden floors when you throw. Plus, it makes a very uncomfortable sound.”
If you need to re-direct, you can say: “You can use this soft ball and throw it in the laundry bin if you’d like.”
These three sentence structures can also help you navigate challenging behavior with more ease.
“It’s time to…”
Using “its time to…” depersonalizes the directive that follows. It’s not about what the parent wants to happen next, it is simply time to do something.
Instead of: “Go clean up your toys!”
Try: “It’s time to clean up now.”
Using a playful tone to express excitement or following this with a choice can be even more effective:
“It’s time to leave the park now. Do you want one last turn on the swing or would you prefer the slide?”
“It’s time to clean up the toys now. Do you want to pick up the stuffed animals or the blocks?” (Remember to keep tasks manageable for children)
For smoother transitions, be sure to prepare the child for the upcoming transition in advance. Children’s concept of time is different from ours so keep reminding them of what will follow so they can feel more prepared and in control.
“As soon as… then…”
By using “as soon as… then…” instead of a negative (“we can’t do x because we need to do y”), we give the child a clear requirement instead of a directive, which is more respectful and is usually met with less resistance.
Instead of: “If we don’t clean up we can’t go to the park.”
Try: “As soon as we clean up, we can go to the park.”
“I love you and the answer is no”
This structure is all about being firm while remaining kind, a hallmark of Positive Discipline. The first part of the sentence is about connection and the second is about being firm in your “no”.
If you have a hard time telling your child “no”, remember that rules and boundaries are a form of self-love and a powerful thing to teach and model to our children. It is not about controlling others, but about creating a safe and respectful environment for everyone in the family.
Yes your child may still have feelings about the “no”. Stay calm, validate their feelings, stay present for them and have faith in them to handle the disappointment.
If the child is not dysregulated, you can take these moments to teach. The goal of discipline is to help the child learn self-control and self-discipline, while developing responsibility, not punish the child for not yet having developed these skills.
Positive and respectful communication, offering choices, explaining reasons behind requests, modelling the behavior we want to see in our children, creating awareness around the impact of our actions on the environment and other beings, this is how we raise self-aware and kind little humans.
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